Groundless

It's been an interesting 6-7 months for me since having moved out. There's been my share of adventure and surprises. There's been a couple projects. School has taken up a lot of my time. I've come back into the fire community, which I am so grateful for. There's been some reunions and some good times and bad times... it's been pretty full.

Yet, I can't help but feel like it's also been kind of empty.

With the passing of MJ a couple days ago, I dunno, it's not just that - it's been a funny week. Some lady almost driving herself into the LA river, a dude maybe dying outside of Fox and Hounds, Farrah and Ed as well as MJ... I guess it's got me thinking about mortality and what it all means... what this all means.

I've been navel gazing a bit and my result has been feeling kind of groundless. I feel pretty disconnected from most of the people in my life. I don't really know who my family is out here right now... everyone is very busy, a lot of couples, a lot of big life stuff going for people and it's great. It really is. But I've found myself sort of in the middle of everything.

Groundless.

In all of my spiritual studies and readings, that term has come up several times, and it's not an altogether bad thing, in fact, it's a real moment of opportunity. It's a place of possibilities. It is a place where anything can happen.... if one is open to it.

There is the flip-side though. A place that can feel kind of lonely and ambiguous. A place that is hard to get your head around.

I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my life. Do I love my job? Yes. Have I been creative lately? Sure... painting, poi/staff practice, journaling on occasion. And I often say that that is all that is important: doing the things that make you happy. But I'm beginning to wonder if there is something greater to strive for.

I mean, say what you will about MJ, but in his prime, he was the King... not just of pop, but of so much more. His music, his vision, his talents have affected so many people in such amazing ways. He was truly an inspiration. And I look at what I'm doing, and I feel that way about my job, but on a much smaller scale. I do feel like I am making a difference, which is important to me.... but is there more?

The hardest part about being groundless to me is the loss of having a "tribe", having a group of people that I know are not just there for me, but are on the same wavelength as I am. People who seek each other out, energetically... I miss that sense of connection sometimes.

I'm going to roller disco tonight, and I know none of the people I've invited will come... but I'll still go because I love it. It refreshes my soul and heart. I've never come home having regretted gone. I just wonder where the members of my Tribe are? Those people who share my excitement for adventure and life... those people who want to go out and play... and I wonder how to find them.

Then I wonder if it's even all that important to even have a Tribe.

I'm also thinking about taking a break from the blog, or at least maybe making it less regular. I wonder sometimes about who's reading this and what can I say that's interesting.. but I wonder if that's just distraction. I've got two more weeks of utter freedom left before I have to go back to work at camp... and I'm wondering what's the best use of that time.